If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
