Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?