So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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