how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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