I think my vagina is haunted
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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