i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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