You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
