$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
