I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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