i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
