i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
