You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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