Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
