thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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