totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize