she woke up with a sticky ear
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
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Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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