And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
