I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
