I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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