I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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