we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
