There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
