dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
