Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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