How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
