i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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