he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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