I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
