I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
