Just fell off a train. Bad.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
