I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
