Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
