Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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