why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
