I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
