Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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