I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
