White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
