My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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