I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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