i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
