I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
