Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That was before I lit my hair on fire
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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