ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm jealous of your bromance
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
