She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
