cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
