do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
