I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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