She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
