I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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