If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
