I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
