my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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