Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
