I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
