She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
