just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
