There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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