I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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